A few weeks ago, we talked about how to unstick your memoir when it feels caught in the mud and you know you’re not moving forward. But sometimes, the harder problem is a stuck memoir you don’t even recognize as stuck. You might still be putting huge amounts of effort into it, pouring hours a week into the project, even compiling a very impressive stack of words, but you’re not actually getting meaningfully closer to having that finished, polished book out in the world the way it exists in your head—personal, true, impactful, and excellent.
This week, we’re talking about things to look for if you suspect your memoir might be secretly stuck.
One of the things we’re very well-positioned to spot are the patterns among first-time memoir authors. Since we work with these folks every single day, we often have a front-row seat to the things that come up again and again for the kinds of people we work with.
And there is one particular pattern I see a lot. It tends to dial up during periods of uncertainty. And this period is definitely a period of uncertainty. I want to share a little about this conversation, because I suspect many of you will be able to spot yourself in this pattern.
The Stuck Memoir Pattern
A woman recently signed up for a consult. She booked a time on my calendar, and when you sign up, you’re asked a number of questions about your book. As she was filling out the form, one thing was very clear to me: she was feeling both overwhelmed and lost.
I get it. Completely.
Not only are we in this unprecedented historical period where it feels like everything at every level is blowing up, but we also don’t know what we’re going to see on the news when we wake up in the morning. There’s definitely going to be something. In fact, most days, there is enough to keep you reading, watching, or listening all day if you wanted to. Every new article, post, or video feels more destabilizing than the last.
It’s overwhelming.
The reason it’s overwhelming isn’t just that there is too much stuff coming at us. It’s also that we don’t have a clear framework for how to interpret it. So much of the news is “unprecedented” or frankly just shockingly unethical, corrupt, violent, or otherwise scary, and it’s very difficult to filter from that place.
Add to that our currently information-overloaded world. We now not only have Google; we have AI. You could spend every second of every day learning new information.
The effect of all of this noise is that we feel both overwhelmed and unclear.
The more overwhelmed we feel, the more we reach for clarity. And the more we reach for clarity by trying to learn more stuff, the more overwhelmed we feel.
And on and on the cycle continues. Especially for independent women who aren’t used to asking for help.
Independent Women Who Can’t Finish Their Books
Now, let’s take this information-overloaded context and drop in a woman who is very independent, who is used to being able to figure most things out herself, particularly intellectual things.
Often, this is a woman who was a very good student in high school and college. Very often, she has advanced degrees. In her personal life, whether or not she has children, she is probably the one managing all the things at home: making sure everything is taken care of, making sure the bills are paid, making sure correspondence is answered, making sure people have their bags and their food and their teeth brushed.
What happens when we drop an independent woman like that into a context of overwhelm and lack of clarity?
Very often, what happens is the pattern I saw with this consult.
As she filled out the booking form, she was writing things that showed me she was feeling overwhelmed and lost. But at the same time, based on what her book was about, I could see that this was a very capable woman. I could tell that her writing was strong just from the way she answered the questions.
It was clear to me that she was capable.
It was also clear to me that she was lost.
That should not be surprising. All of us can feel overwhelmed. All of us can feel lost. There is nothing about being an independent person that protects us from overwhelm and lack of clarity.
About a week after her booking came through, she sent along a very sweet note.
“I’m so sorry to have taken up your time,” she wrote, “but I think I want to work on this piece on my own a little bit longer. I found some new resources. I’ve got a new strategy. I think I want to work on my own, but I’ll let you know if I need you later.”
I was happy to hear that she felt unstuck.
But I was at least equal parts doubtful. She’d found more stuff, and more stuff is not the same as clarity.
Another week or so passed, and I saw her name in my inbox again. She’d rebooked her original consult call. In the notes block, she wrote, “I’m so sorry. I changed my mind.”
I confirmed the appointment and reassured her that I was happy to talk. Sometimes it takes a few swings before you hit the home run.
Before we eventually got on the call to chat, she cancelled one more time, and rebooked a final time. That kind of booking and canceling, booking and canceling, happens more than you might think. But what happens even more often are the little signs that something is going on under the surface.
Did you flag some of her language?
“I’m so sorry to be wasting your time.”
“I hate that I’m taking up so much of your time.”
“On second thought, I think I can do this on my own.”
These are the little signals that say, Yes, I want to move forward, but I also don’t want to bother you.
And that’s what I want to talk about.
The Shame Spiral That Keeps a Memoir Stuck
The pattern I saw here is what I call a “shame spiral.” When we’re really independent—I am, too—we get used to being able to do things on our own. And that is so great.
But it also means that, when we run up against something we can’t do on our own, we often feel a deep sense of shame. We don’t like to bother others. We’re afraid they’ll think we’re silly or stupid or tell us our idea is bad.
Or worse, we’ll get help, and we still won’t be able to finish.
Hence all of the apologies. All of the changing of minds. All of the resistance to even the most basic levels of support.
Y’all, this is not the way.
If we are trying to move forward into a more just, equitable future where everyone around us has access to completing and achieving their big dreams, we’ve simply gotta fight for a better way.
So I want to break down what’s happening here, because I’ve got good news and bad news.
Let’s start with the bad news.
When you are in this cycle of asking for help in moments of desperation, but then declining it in moments when you feel a little more regulated and calm, that is not actually a healthy cycle. Very, very often, it is a stalling cycle.
It is something you will often not break out of until you are kind enough to yourself to allow yourself support.
Note that I did not say until you get broken down to the point that you need support. Very often, when we come to support from that place, we don’t truly believe we need it. We don’t believe we should ever be “weak.” We believe if we can just push ourselves hard enough, we can fill our reserves with resources we don’t even have.
That’s what sends us back to Google. And Google is what sends us back to shame. And on and on and on.
The good news is that, oftentimes, if you can understand what is happening under the surface, it becomes much easier to break through the pattern of denying yourself support, help, and a real way forward, so you can actually finish the book.
So with that said, let’s get into the three things I often see underneath this pattern of shame and resisting support. I think you will probably find yourself in at least one of them. And if you do, I want you to know that it’s not a defect in you. It is a normal way your brain has learned to keep you safe amid uncertainty and lack of clarity.
But it may be time to pull that back and find the real communal connection that is actually going to move you forward.
Reason One: Your Stuck Memoir Is Still in the Brainstorming Stage
The first thing that can happen when you are in this back and forth between wanting support and pushing it away is that you are actually still at the brainstorming stage. You just have not allowed yourself to sit there long enough to actually complete it, so you can’t actually move on.
All that is happening in this case is that you have been brainstorming, which is very needed and definitely part of the memoir-writing process.
But since you don’t think you should have to brainstorm, you’re rushing the process.
What does this look like specifically?
Sometimes it looks like freewriting, but with an intense pressure to keep all of the words you’re producing. Two pages of brainstorming then becomes two pages that must be included in your book, even though you haven’t decided what the book is yet.
Other times, it looks like bargaining with yourself to find an “easier” way forward. Maybe you wanted to write a memoir that reads like fiction. But you don’t really know how, and Googling only made it worse. So instead, you decide, “Maybe I’ll just write my memoir in essays instead of worrying about actual memoir structure.” You think that helps you move forward. And it does. Just not toward the book you actually wanted to write.
Almost always, it results in chunks of writing that aren’t actually cohesive, that don’t read well because they aren’t structured beyond what struck you in the moment. You can get a book done this way, but it’s not likely that anyone will want to read it.
The problem isn’t that you “don’t know what you’re doing.” The problem is that you haven’t slowed down enough to actually get clarity.
I have seen this so often—not only when the work was still in progress, but also when the entire manuscript was already written. The writer had created a full manuscript with no structure, no real guidance on the narrative, and no real coherence of topic or message. If they’d worked with a book coach, there still might be revising to be done.
But without any support at all, the solution is usually more like a full rewrite.
What is happening here is that, even though we are doing a very necessary part of the prewriting process, we do not want to admit that we need help. So we make the prewriting stretch out to manuscript length.
This is bad.
It’s a waste of your time.
Often, we could do about a tenth of that amount of brainstorming, and then, if we had an actual way to move forward—an actual system, structure, or source of clarity—we could start writing in earnest and end up with a draft that is much closer to finished than that extended brainstorming draft.
But unfortunately, if we are good enough at brainstorming and good enough at telling ourselves that we are independent and do not need help, we can brainstorm ourselves through an entire draft. Then that draft ends up needing so much reworking, so much more energy, so much more attention, and so much more skill after you have already spent months on it.
Instead, why don’t we just admit we need book coaching?
Why not come into work with someone who can help you shape the narrative as you move forward? Someone who can help you dial in and decide on your message before you get started? Someone who can help make sure that most of the words you put on the page will remain on the page, rather than having to be completely thrown out for a totally new version?
Reason Two: You’re Not Taking Your Writing Seriously
The second reason this pattern shows up is that you are not taking yourself seriously.
Unfortunately, I see this in so many independent women. So many of us, whether out of necessity or urge or both, have decided that we need to figure everything out on our own until we prove ourselves.
In this version, rather than just brainstorming and telling ourselves we have it figured out—or at least close enough—we tell ourselves we have to write the book even if it doesn’t turn out very well. We tell ourselves we have to at least try long enough. We have to try hard enough before it is okay to ask for help.
And I will tell you what: men do not usually do this.
This is something I see most often in my women clients, my women friends, and the women in my family. Of course, many men do suffer from insecurity. Many men hesitate to ask for the help they need. I see y’all out there.
But I do think we have to call this out as a gendered issue. While I do see this in men sometimes, the women I know suffer from this to such a degree that we have to name it.
Y’all, you do not have to prove yourself before you get help.
You do not have to get “good enough” to work with a book coach.
The book coaching is the thing that will help you feel like you are good enough.
And spoiler alert: you are good enough already.
So this idea that we have to keep writing until we prove ourselves, or that we have to at least write a whole manuscript by ourselves and then maybe we can get an editor to “fix it”—we have got to stop doing that.
You deserve to put this book together in a way that feels confident and clear.
You deserve to feel like you know what you are doing.
You deserve to feel worthy of support, because you are.
You do not have to prove yourself by taking all the hard wins alone. You can find a book coach who is very well-prepared to help you move forward. We can give you instant clarity. We can give you very clear directions for your next steps so you don’t get stuck in overwhelm. We can tell you what to expect as you move forward. We can help you figure out how you want to publish.
There is no reason to try to do all of this on your own.
But both of these reasons often flow out of the third.
Reason Three: The Perfect Book Dream Hasn’t Had to Become Real Yet
The third reason is that, as long as the book is just between you and your laptop, it can stay a perfect dream.
This one hurts my heart, not only because so many books go unfinished because of this misconception, but also because it’s not only books. Very often, entire future dreams die on the vine because we are too afraid to put them into practice.
What does this look like?
Maybe, in your mind, if you could just write this book well enough, you could change your life. Maybe you could start speaking to women’s groups. Maybe you could start advocating at a national or state political level. Maybe your book could become a bestseller. Maybe you could become an influencer, or a thought leader, or an expert known in your niche.
As long as it stays in your head, it feels great.
But the second you write the first sentence on the page, it’s no longer a perfect dream. Now the book that was once the perfect dream is an imperfect sentence on the page.
And it will taunt you.
Unfortunately, what often happens is that we pull back from moving forward in earnest, because every time we do start to move forward in earnest, we have to face the fact that the perfect dream is probably not going to be perfect.
For so many women, that’s the end of the dream. We don’t believe in ourselves enough to ask for help. And since we don’t believe in ourselves enough to ask for help, we can’t believe the dream into reality.
As long as you are not getting professional help, as long as you have not made any kind of investment, as long as you have not really revealed the details of your project to anyone else, you can keep pushing it down.
It can stay your perfect dream.
But it will never materialize on paper.
The Way Forward Is Honest Support
So what is the solution to all of these questions?
Unfortunately, it’s not only that we have to ask for help. It’s that we have to ask for help and be honest about it.
There is no way forward in a skill we don’t yet have—a skill we do deserve to develop, but have not yet developed—until we admit to ourselves that not only do we want support, not only do we want to learn to write a great book, not only do we want to change our lives in these big ways.
We have to admit that we deserve for that to happen.
We have to admit that there is some possibility that it could happen.
That we could actually change our lives.
There is very little scarier than that thought.
And I’m afraid that is what holds so many people in this cycle of finding a book coach, then shying away from actually engaging, then coming back, then backing away.
It has to stop, y’all.
I believe so deeply that we have got to get people’s stories out there. So much of the suppression of particular narratives from the major publishing industry, but also from society in general, has been nothing but harmful.
We have to step up, step forward, and stop listening to everyone around us who is telling us we have to be perfect or bust.
It’s not true.
There is so much space for your beautiful human imperfection. And once we can get everybody to step forward, we will be an unstoppable movement.
But all of us have to step forward.
You Deserve the Support Every Published Author Gets
Your self-critic will always tell you that you don’t deserve help. You’ve heard it many times, not only about book coaching, editorial support, publishing, or otherwise, but also in probably every area of your life.
The good news is that identifying these self-sabotaging patterns is the first step to changing them.
What you are embarking on, or maybe what you are resisting actually embarking on, is not nearly as scary or intimidating as you think.
But it often takes actually working with a book coach or other publishing professional to really see and believe, in your mind and in your body, that you can do this.
Because, you know what?
You definitely can.
