When you find yourself stuck with memoir writer’s block, especially on a project you care deeply about, it can be so tempting to try to force your way forward.
But y’all, this is the worst advice.
Not only because it’s not going to help you move forward in your book in any meaningful or sustainable way, but also because it’s very likely to make your finished product worse. And if what you’re experiencing is memoir writer’s block, trying to push through it is very often going to make the whole thing feel even harder.
That’s why I want to encourage you today to retire the phrase “push through.”
Instead, I want you to focus on how you can dial into your own process and allow it to take the time it needs. And because I want you to do that with intention, I put together a checklist to help you plan. The Memoir Method Checklist lays out every single step in the process from idea to finished book.
And I know what you’re thinking: a checklist?
But truly, if you don’t know what you’re supposed to be doing next, there is very little chance you’re going to actually do it. This checklist will guide your way through not only making a plan, but then executing the plan all the way through holding that book in your hands.
In the meantime, let’s talk about why “pushing through” is one of the worst things you can do when you’re writing your memoir, or any book, for that matter.
Why “Pushing Through” Is the Wrong Goal for Memoir Writer’s Block
This topic has been on my docket for a while. And if you are a member of The Memoir Method, or if you have worked with me, you will not be surprised to hear me talking about this issue.
One of the things that was really common in my own writing process, and also among a lot of the people I was around when I was an academic, was the sense that you should be pushing yourself all the time. The idea was to “defend your writing time.” But that meant that when your writing time came, you had to be butt in seat, moving those fingers as fast as you could.
I thought of it as “being productive,” even though as I want to share here, I have since learned how counterproductive this mindset is.
Now, let me break that down, because I suspect there will be at least some resistance to that idea. But I promise this is grounded in the data of all the people I have ever worked with—dozens of people, maybe hundreds at this point.
This issue, of putting productivity over everything else and shaming yourself when you don’t, is something we see consistently across the board, especially with writers who come to us thinking they have memoir writer’s block. Most of the time, what they really have is a process problem.
Product and Process Both Matter
The way I want to break this down is by giving you one of the binaries that we base everything at Page & Podium on keeping in balance. There are three of them, and one is the idea of process balancing with product.
When I’m talking about product, I’m talking about your actual end result: the book you would hold in your hand after it has been written, revised, edited, designed, produced, and circulated.
And I don’t want anyone to think that because I’m telling you not to push yourself, I want that book to be anything less than excellent.
That is not true.
I value excellence in book, and wouldn’t want anything less for your memoir.
But at Page & Podium, we know from experience that an excellent product almost always goes hand in hand with an excellent process.
I think sometimes people hear me say product versus process and assume that by process, I mean some kind of touchy-feely soft thing where we should all be butterflies and flowers and rainbows.
And you know, I actually love butterflies, flowers, and rainbows. So I’m not against that idea.
But when I talk about process, I’m not talking about letting go of your standards so you can stop and smell the roses, and I’m definitely not talking about slopping something together and then convincing yourself to feel good about it. I’m talking about the real psychology of how our work gets better in every single arena when we enjoy what we’re doing.
Now, this doesn’t mean we’re never sitting in discomfort.
In fact, I talk a lot on this channel and elsewhere about how important it is to build our capacity for discomfort. To build our capacity for the unknown and the uncertain.
That is part of the process I’m describing.
So I don’t mean that process always needs to feel good.
What I mean is that we should have the same high standards for our process that we have for our products.
Somehow, in this culture we live in, we have gotten this totally twisted. We very often think the process does not matter at all, as long as the product comes out.
But what I want to tell you is this: the product is going to be better if the process is better.
Why a Better Process Leads to a Better Book
On the surface, it may not seem like a better process should lead to a better product. And yet, I have seen this over and over.
When we think about that beautiful finished product, particularly in the arts and craft realm—things like memoir, but also paintings, drawings, films, theater, and other artistic venues—these products are only products in the marketable sense because they are expressive.
What we aim to do when we write a memoir is express what our story taught us, and how we came to discover that meaning in our real, lived experiences. We have to get it out of us.
Sometimes it feels as though it’s wrenching out of us, like that gross but somehow relieving feeling of popping a pimple.
And the reason is that when we’re developing these creative products, one of the things that is inevitably happening is that as the product is being produced, we are changing.
There is so much growth and healing and understanding and meaning that happens when you are writing your first memoir.
That’s not a side effect as much as the actual reason to do the thing. You have to heal and understand, because you are literally showing that healing and understanding on the page. You can’t do one without the other.
That is also why memoir writer’s block is not always a simple matter of needing more discipline. Sometimes the block is actually information. It is telling you that something in the process needs your attention.
Even Heavy Stories Need Joy
I speak with a lot of people who have very, very heavy stories they’re trying to tell. Literal trauma, sometimes whole chains of it. That can make it so hard to write because while you’re trying to get words on the page, you’re sifting (clawing sometimes) through your trauma.
It’s very easy to start to associate writing with trauma, and doing that will tank your memoir very, very quickly.
That’s why, even when we are writing a very heavy, very traumatic memoir, we have to be very conscious that we are working from the root of creativity.
And the root of creativity, y’all, is joy.
When we think about process and product, the thing we are aiming for in that process is enjoyment.
Of course, if you have done a project—art or not—and enjoyed it, you know it is much, much easier to complete something you are having a good time doing than it is to complete something you hate.
I bring that up because when we’re writing about trauma, I find that we often lose that step.
When we’re writing about something heavy or something that feels very, very important, we almost feel like we shouldn’t have fun. We almost feel like we shouldn’t enjoy it. Or like it’s weird to say we would enjoy it, have fun, or get joy from it.
But creativity is about sharing your soul.
And I truly believe, whatever your spirituality or religion is in this world, that the heart of every single human is this quest for joy.
That is what is going to make your reader connect with your story, because it is what will make you connect with your story.
There is nothing more important than feeling that sense of joy.
So when I am talking about this idea of pushing through, the main thing I’m encouraging you to do is pull back from the sense that the product, the productivity, is the most important thing.
Because truly, the most important thing is that you find joy in the process.
Not only to help yourself actually get the thing done, but also because it will be so much better if the reader can see on the page that you are joyfully expressing to them what you went through.
There is always still a sense that there is joy in community. There is joy in connection. There is joy in this process of expression.
If You Hate the Process, You Probably Won’t Finish
I’ve hinted at one of the main, most convincing arguments for what I’m saying here already, but I want to make it really explicit.
If you are going through the process of producing anything and you hate it, you are very, very likely not to finish.
What are some of the things we push through?
Cleaning.
Assignments we think are kind of dumb.
Spending time with people we don’t really like because it’s an obligation.
We do not push through things we want to do.
Because we don’t have to push through things that we really, really value in our hearts.
Usually, if we’re pushing through something, it is some kind of signal from our body or mind that we do not want to do it.
And this goes double, triple, infinity for a memoir.
In a memoir, you are not only writing a long-form piece of writing—which most of the people I chat with have not done before in any format—but even if you have, a long-form project like a book is always challenging.
But the other thing about a memoir is that it is quite challenging just in terms of the content.
Even if your book isn’t about trauma, I guarantee there will be at least a chapter or four that is going to be really hard for you to write, simply because you are revisiting a part of your past that you had pretty intentionally cleaved yourself off from.
And guess what? Now you have to get in there. You’ve got to do that work.
If we are pushing through, there is no way you’re going to be able to do that. At some point, you will simply run out of steam.
There’s only so much we can force ourselves to do through things like accountability or whatever we might think of.
So when we think about process versus product, and when we think about this idea of pushing through, the most convincing argument I find for most people is that if you are in this mindset of pushing through, you are very likely not to finish.
That is one of the reasons memoir writer’s block can be so frustrating. It feels like the thing to do is push harder, but pushing harder may be exactly what keeps you stuck.
I want you to keep that in mind as you move through your project, whenever you are tempted to push through.
Don’t Push Through. Let Go.
I also want to give you some practical ways you can more productively tackle this issue.
Because while I do not believe you should be pushing through, or that you should force yourself to take the next step, I also know writing isn’t easy.
There’s never going to be a situation where every single writing time feels great, and you’re excited about it, and you can’t wait to sit down.
It’s just not realistic.
Most of us are going to have ebbs and flows in the amount of energy and passion and joy we bring to the process. And that is okay.
But here’s what I want to urge you to do.
Rather than pushing through, I want you to find practical, active ways to let go.
What if instead of pushing through, you figured out what was making you feel like you needed to push through?
What’s creating these issues for you?
What if instead of pushing through on top of those issues, we figured out how to make the process feel easier and more organic?
What if the process did not have to be pushing, but could rather be leaning through, floating through?
That shift is especially important when you are dealing with memoir writer’s block, because the block usually has a reason, and once we find it, we can actually treat the cause instead of the symptoms (which, unfortunately, aren’t all that treatable).
So let’s talk about some of the most common causes I see out there.
Culprit #1: Accountability Without Kindness
The first and most common culprit is this idea of accountability.
Very often, I see folks who have set a kind of arbitrary date for the completion of their memoir. Oftentimes this will be a birthday. Sometimes it’s the end of the year. Sometimes it’s the end of a school year, if they have kids and know it’s going to be difficult to make progress when the kids are running around the house.
Whatever it is, I often see that people feel like they need to back up that arbitrary deadline with “accountability.”
I’m putting this in scare quotes, but I want to be really clear that I actually do believe in accountability, just not the kind I see giving people writer’s block.
I think accountability is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves as writers, as artists, as anybody, frankly. That’s why I made it a foundational piece of our Memoir Method group program. Every single week, twice a week, we ask all of our members how they are doing.
But one important thing is that when we ask folks how they’re doing, we don’t just ask and then beat them over the head if they’re not doing as well as they thought.
Instead, with our accountability, we ask how they’re doing, and then we figure out why.
If it’s not what they wanted, we’ve got to figure out how to treat the cause.
We’ve got to recognize that not having your path be completely linear and clear is the most normal thing there is.
And it’s for this reason that one of the things I often say is that accountability without kindness is just bullying.
Y’all, seriously think about that.
When we think about accountability that is totally high stakes, that has no flexibility or room for humanity, all you are doing is bullying yourself.
Very often, when folks set these arbitrary deadlines to have their product done, it comes along with this type of bullying.
You set this date. You’re going to finish by this date.
Well, friends, let me ask you to back up a little bit and loosen your grip.
What was it about that date that made it so magical?
Because what I would contend is that setting an arbitrary deadline is actually a great idea, but only if, when you reach that date, you evaluate what it has done for you.
Sometimes an accountability deadline will actually get you to the finish line.
But sometimes when you set that deadline, you simply did not know enough about the road in front of you. Sometimes that deadline was just not realistic.
Often, the reason is that there are steps in the process you didn’t anticipate.
Some of those are things like working through particular past issues, or even stirring the memory enough that you can write about it.
I find that almost zero first-time authors account for the types of work they’re going to have to do that are not actually words on the page.
So what happens when you get to this arbitrary deadline and you’re not done?
I want you to stop beating yourself up.
Stop telling yourself to push through and finish the whole book in a week, and remind yourself instead that the accountability you set actually worked.
If you’re still looking at that deadline and it is still motivating you, you’ve got it. That is the formula.
So now what you’ve got to do is the same thing again.
You have more information now. We now realize that we’re not hitting that date.
What’s the new one?
It is no shame at all to move your own goalpost if that is what needs to happen.
Accountability is reflecting on what you have done, what was good about it, and what you’d like to improve, and then moving forward with an actual plan to address what needs to be addressed.
If you are an accountability person and pushing through is something that goes along with that, I want you to rethink that mental framework of what accountability means.
It does not need to, and it should not, be about bullying yourself, punishing yourself, or beating yourself up.
That will take you nowhere.
In fact, you’re very likely to never finish if you get too stuck in that mindset.
Culprit #2: A Big Goal That Feels Urgent
The second culprit I very often see in this kind of beating ourselves up and pushing through is the idea that if a goal is important, it must be urgent.
A lot of the people I work with are aiming for some kind of larger outcome from their book.
Yes, they want to write a book. They want to publish an excellent book.
But typically, the book is part of a larger tool.
At the baseline level, it’s a tool to reach other people, often people who are going through something they have overcome.
I love that. That is the goal I built this entire company on.
But often, it also is about reaching those people through something you want for yourself. This can look like building a speaking career: “I’d like to have a book so that I can use it to leverage better-paying speaking gigs, so I can have an easier way into some of the big platforms that I want.”
Sometimes it looks like thought leadership: “I want to be out there with my book. I want to be talking to people. I feel like I will have more credibility and more clarity once I have this book done.”
And yes, you will.
Often, when we’re coming from this place, we are so passionate about getting out there and getting that real work done.
Y’all, I love this.
But it is not urgent.
Slowing down a little bit is very, very often going to help make you a much, much stronger candidate for those goals.
Anything you are trying to do will be stronger when you slow down and find the clarity in yourself.
When you look for the joy and the connection you have to that process, that is actually integral to the relationships you want to build.
So we’ve got to step away from this idea that having an eventual outcome means we have to push through the book and get it finished as fast as possible. That’s not true.
Slowing down and taking your time will build much stronger bridges and ultimately make your goal that much sweeter (not to mention more sustainable).
Culprit #3: Comparing Yourself to Someone Else
The third most common culprit I see is that folks are comparing themselves to someone else.
This one is so close to my heart because I absolutely get this sense of external comparison. No matter where we are in this life, we always want to be somewhere else, usually because somebody else got there before us.
Unfortunately, the more we try to compare ourselves to others, and the more we try to use that comparison to push through and make ourselves into something like that person we admire, the more we actually lose the connection that is going to pull our readers in.
My friend Sarah from grad school had a really cute way of saying this, and I think about it from time to time.
She would always say, “Eyes on your own paper.”
Grad school is rife with competition. Everyone is competing with everyone else all the time. And the worst part is that there are actual benchmarks you can compare yourself on. Sometimes you even are compared to others by professors within the program.
So when we are thinking about keeping our eyes on our own paper, what we are focused on is not how we measure up to other people, but how we measure up to who we are.
Y’all, I have never seen anybody get five or six chapters into their memoir and not see very clearly that they have made huge strides in their writing ability. Let alone 15 or 20 chapters.
You are growing, just like the person did who got to your eventual destination first. They let things marinate, and I promise, you can too.
Lean Into the Process
What we need to focus on is the way we are going to honor this process.
Lean into the process of writing your memoir, because truly, as you move through that process, the level of clarity, direction, and purpose you will gain will blow your mind.
But you know when that won’t happen?
When you’re pushing through.
