Of all the books we’ve written and published, my favorites are the books about family. Sometimes a single author wants to recount their experiences of family—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Other times, an entire family comes together to piece together a puzzle of their lives. Those cases always involve some level of disagreement, such as when the family of Walter Dechant couldn’t agree on whether their beloved merry-go-round was built by Walter, scavenged from a curb, or gifted by family friends.
In either case, working through the stories of a family inevitably brings everyone closer together. Memories long forgotten are stirred up, and favorite recollections are shared over laughter and cups of coffee. I always feel so grateful to be a part of such an intimate experience.
While these are my favorite projects, I can only work with a limited number of families each year. Some families also prefer to work on their memoirs on their own—it makes sense to them since the project is so intimate. But families who choose to go it alone often feel uncertain of where and how to start. After all, even if your memoir will only be read by family members, the included stories are precious—and you need to do them justice. We can do that because we bring years of training and experience to the project that’s not easy to pick up by scouring the internet.
I’m writing this post to get you started, in hopes that my experience can help your family put together a truly special book that people will actually want to read for years to come. Of course, I can’t give you all of my knowledge of family memoir writing in a single blog post, but I can give you some tips to get started.
Here are my top 3 tips for planning a family memoir that leaves the legacy your loved ones deserve.
Focus on the Learning
One of the most challenging parts of writing a memoir—family or not—is deciding what to include. No matter how long you make it, you simply won’t be able to write every story that matters to every family member. But how do you choose which stories to keep and which to save for another project?
The trick is to set a filter. And the best filter for any memoir is a theme.
I’m not talking about the abstract, theoretical themes you analyzed in school. I’m talking about the one truth that your family’s experiences can teach readers, including future generations.
Does your family story teach others about the value of hard work? Does it demonstrate the importance of forgiveness? Maybe it shows us that life is often shorter than we imagine, so we need to let people know how much we care. Or it might even tell readers to laugh more!
In each case, the lesson is one that people had to learn. And they probably learned it by failing.
As you’re brainstorming, think about the times when your family fell short of its lesson. These are moments when things didn’t go well—they’re not the happiest memories, no doubt. But these are the real heart of your story because when your reader watches you experience these things, they learn along with you. That’s a powerful gift to give future generations and outside readers alike!
Use that theme to determine your must-include stories.
Place the Lessons on a Timeline
One of the most challenging parts about writing a memoir is making the story fit into a powerful arc. When I chat with aspiring authors, I find that most people know their story should have a climax. But how to get there is anybody’s guess.
“Lean into those tense situations, big or small. You don’t need to exaggerate them—in fact, you shouldn’t! But the more the reader sees the disagreements in your family life, the more they’ll appreciate the moments of love, resilience, and celebration.”
The good news is that structure doesn’t have to be as complex as you think. Yes, you can get very detailed with plotting out the narrative arc, but if you’ve never studied story structure, you’ll be better off keeping things simple.
Break your story into four parts, each roughly the same length. In practical terms, you can write the numbers 1-20 on a sheet of paper, and draw a line to divide the page into four groups of five.
For each of those parts, you’ll need something to kick off the action (the first number in each part) and something that brings things to a head (the fourth in each part).
Numbers 1, 6, 11, and 16 can be any moment that disrupted family life, even if only a little. These are the inciting incidents of each part.
Numbers 4, 9, 14, and 19 should be a moment of conflict. These are the climaxes of each part.
You’ll follow each climax with a resolution—a story that shows how your family adjusted to life after learning the lesson. Between each inciting incident and its climax should be stories that bridge the gap, either chronologically, emotionally, or both.
Ideally, the intensity of the parts should grow—part 2 should be more intense than part 1 and so on—so that by the time you get to number 19, things are as intense as they will get. That’s your climax.
End by showing what happened when the family finally learned the lesson. In other words, resolve the story.
Build the Tension
While I hope your family story has a happy ending, there’s a reason it’s called a happy ending and not a happy beginning! You’ve got to focus on the tension leading up to the ending, or the story won’t sing the way it should.
As you recall the stories from your family’s past, think of the little conflicts along the way. Were there disagreements about who would get the top bunk? Times dad got angry because you didn’t feed and walk the dog? Moments you weren’t sure you’d be able to put food on the table? Incidents when you survived major natural disasters or national conflicts?
Lean into those tense situations, big or small. You don’t need to exaggerate them—in fact, you shouldn’t! But the more the reader sees the disagreements in your family life, the more they’ll appreciate the moments of love, resilience, and celebration.
If everything seems happy, then nothing seems particularly happy.
As you write the story, try to include little bits of disagreement or challenge in each scene. It will make the writing go faster and give your memoir more substance.
Concluding Thoughts
Writing a family memoir can be one of the most rewarding things you’ll do. Above all, make sure you cherish the opportunity to consider your family history and your role within it. We hear from authors all the time who are grateful they collected their family stories. If a family member passes away, you’ll be so glad to have their perspective and experiences recorded forever.
We believe it’s important to do things the right way—to make sure the book you write is enjoyable to read. But the important thing is that you write your story, even if it’s not perfect.
Books are amazing things. But it’s the memories that make them important.
