Books with amazing potential are abandoned every day. And then picked up again. And then put in a drawer. And then dusted off and that cycle can continue for years or even decades. Does this sound familiar to you? This cycle can cause feelings of shame and unworthiness in so many writers even though it’s a cycle so many authors experience. Sometimes books are abandoned for good reasons: perhaps the project isn’t serving the writer’s goals anymore or perhaps they have found a different medium of expression that suits them better. But the feelings of shame that come from trying and not being satisfied with the results right away or having to put it aside for months or years at a time is not one of those good reasons. Today Amanda and I are exploring five reasons women abandon their memoirs and how you can, if you want to, overcome them and finish.
Reading is essential to improving your writing skills, and reading like a writer means seeing past the glossy end-result into a book’s structure and the author’s choices about how the story is told. Learning to read like a writer doesn’t mean learning how to merely imitate but learning the craft by example. We’re excited to announce the launch of our Memoir Method Book Club! Your first session is free, so sign up to save your seat here.
In the video, Amanda shares an observation from a friend seeing Glennon Doyle speak and an audience member asked if they should pursue writing a memoir. Her answer was simply that not everyone wants to write a book. If you want to, that’s evidence on its own. Writing a book is hard; it’s a big audacious goal. If you feel a drive in you to tell your story, you should probably listen to it. We are not people who thinks that everyone should write a book, even though everyone probably has enough material to do so if they wanted. But if you feel the call—if you feel that story still inside you and want to share it—you can and you should.
The vicious thing about the cycle of putting down a book and picking it up again is that sometimes it can start a little voice in your head that tells you this pattern is evidence that you shouldn’t be writing a book, that you’re not good enough, that it’s not meant to be. That mean voice is not telling you the truth. Hard things often get interrupted. Hard things take time. Hard things often take multiple tries to get right. But hard things are also often worth doing. You also don’t have to do it alone.
If you have a memoir project that you’ve put aside, think about whether the reason it’s stuck in that drawer is one of these five. If it is, then know with a little bit of energy and support, these things are conquerable. We’ve seen it happen.
No plan or Structure
The most common reason women abandon memoir projects is simple: they start without a plan. There’s a persistent myth that writing should come naturally, that we should just know how to do it. Fiction writers sometimes embrace a technique called “pantsing,” or writing by the seat of your pants, without much early planning. But even this method involves development stages, usually a lot of character, premise, and world-building work.
But memoir doesn’t work that way. In fiction, you can invent freely, completely changing the story to serve the structure as you go. Memoir is different. Your material is your life. It’s your wisdom. It has to be true. Without a plan, often what you write reads more like an unstructured journal. Journaling is an amazing healthy practice, but we rarely want to read other’s journals because of this lack of structure and clear point behind all the choices the writer is making.
That’s why structure is essential. An outline lays out a clear plan to show how the conflicts of your life lead to change in you and in your understanding of the world. This is deceptively difficult. When you’re writing over the course of months and months, it becomes very difficult to hold that structure in your head without some kind of clear map to guide you and help you make decisions along the way.
Rigidity
The opposite instinct can also halt your project. Instead of having no plan, writers can become overwhelmed with advice and adhere too rigidly to writing rules. No writing rule should be treated as unyielding gospel. That doesn’t mean guidance isn’t valuable. But when advice gets too boiled down, it morphs into black-and-white thinking: right vs. wrong, marketable vs. not. That kind of rigidity is often rooted in perfectionism, and it can derail a project before it truly begins. Writers may feel pressure to follow formulas like the hero’s journey or believe they need massive social media followings to be taken seriously. The truth is, what works for one story may not work for another. Sometimes breaking a rule is exactly what makes a memoir stand out.
Take Heartland by Sarah Smarsh, a bestselling memoir that defies a common industry guideline. We often say “don’t start with childhood” because writers who reach for that often end up too far from where the story really starts because they are thinking about a biography rather than a memoir. Smarsh begins her story before she’s even born, establishing the cultural landscape of the Midwest as a character of its own. It works because it’s true to the story she’s telling. Rules can be helpful, especially when you focus on the reasoning behind them, but they’re not sacred.
Be cautious of a subtler trap: trying to sidestep a rule without understanding its purpose. Many writers, especially on their second or third attempt, shift from a narrative structure to a book of essays, hoping to avoid the complexity of story arc. Yet even essay collections often rely on narrative cohesion. The goal isn’t to reject structure, but to find the one that serves your story best. Flexibility, not workaround, is how you find what works for you. Listen to your instincts, then run your ideas by someone who understands both the craft and the industry.
No self-investment
The absolutely necessary tools you need to write may seem simple: a writing device and the ability to string words together. So many women, especially women who are used to being relied on, figuring things out for themselves, and having little help. If you are running into trouble with a huge personal project like writing your memoir, it make just take a bit of self-investment.
Self-investment can be both financial investment and simply putting in time. Financially, investing in professional support can feel indulgent or unnecessary, especially when the project is creative, personal, and without a clear financial return. But the truth is, many women don’t even realize these resources exist, let alone allow themselves to access them. It’s not just about undervaluing the self; it’s about the discomfort of admitting we don’t already know how to do something.
Time is the other major investment, and it’s just as fraught. We don’t believe in rigid writing quotas because every writer’s rhythm is different, but intentional commitment is key, however that may look like in your full life. Life can be chaotic and tends to fill up quickly with obligations and ambitions, and so often we put the goals that are for ourselves last, prioritizing the goals we have with or even for others. Investing in that intentional commitment can make it “real” like those other obligations. Recently one of our coaching clients finished a full draft of a book that she has put down many times over the last ten years. Having the support of a book coach was the missing piece for her. Support isn’t an indulgence; it’s an investment.
Writing Pressures
The fourth reason many women abandon their memoirs is the tendency to accept or expect external pressure to shape the narrative around how others might respond. In non-writing contexts, we’d call this people-pleasing. It’s a major obstacle to authentic storytelling. Writers often convince themselves that if they don’t portray certain people in a flattering or “safe” way, there will be dire consequences. There might be legitimate legal considerations when writing about real individuals, and for those issues you will need a different kind of support and guidance to advise you.
However, most of those concerns are centered in your anxiety. Stories cannot please everyone. Writing for yourself first, then editing for your audience, is the only way to preserve truth and momentum.
When you write from everyone else’s perspective but your own, the words become nearly impossible to access. The fear of judgment, backlash, or misunderstanding can paralyze the process. Of course, memoir is meant to connect with readers, but that connection must come from honesty, not preemptive self-censorship. The drafting phase is where your unfiltered truth belongs, unburdened by imagined reactions. If you find yourself hesitating, ask whether you’re trying to protect someone else’s feelings at the expense of your own clarity. Memoir demands authenticity. Without it, the story falters. With it, you create something that not only resonates but endures.
Skills not up to their own standards
Finally, many writers put aside their work when they read back what they’ve written and find a mismatch between their writing skill and the standards they would hold for themselves. Writing is often treated like it is somehow a different sort of skill than others. That if you can write an email, but struggle with an memoir, that somehow means the that the project is beyond you. The logic doesn’t make sense when applied with other arts. I can crochet a pretty decent scarf, but the sweaters Amanda knits are astounding to me. The difference in our skill level is about the amount of time, effort, and instruction we have had about the skill.
The same applies with writing; just because the words you put together need more work, doesn’t mean you are capable of that work. Support changes everything. Whether it’s accountability, expert feedback, or a community of fellow writers, having others in your corner accelerates progress and dissolves self-doubt. That’s why programs like the Memoir Method exist—to provide structure, coaching, and camaraderie. When you’re surrounded by women who are navigating the same terrain, some ahead of you, some just starting out, you gain clarity and momentum. You stop circling the loop of abandonment and rediscovery. You start moving forward. The fact that you want to write a book means you should. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be supported.
PS. Searching the internet for writing, publishing, and book marketing advice can be exhausting to say the least! If you’re ready for hands on, one-on-one support for your memoir, check out The Memoir Method. We’d love to welcome you into this nine-month group program specially designed for women writing their first memoirs. And don’t forget, if you’d like to chat with Amanda about the program (or any other services we offer), you can book a free consult any time!
